I do nothing lately/but watch the young in concern for their safety*

Shorter Daniel "political punditry's answer to David Pleat" Finkelstein

You created this job, David Miliband. You should do it

Dear David,

Would you mind standing still while I project my own sense of inadequacy and personal failure onto you? Ta.

Love & Hugs,

Danny XOXO



*CF I wanted to post a video of 'Devotion' up here but the memory of Crashland appears (justifiably) to have been substantially purged from the interwebs. Apart from here, but for some reason I can only get 'We're On Fire' to play, which is nice enough in a "ah this reminds me of getting dumped when I was 16" kind of way (Although, just to emphasise that I did have taste as a youth, this beauty was my just-been-dumped anthemn of choice between the ages of 16 and 22). 'Devotion' is actually one of the very saddest songs ever, the tale of an ex-Next Big Thing watching his career fade while the media circus moved on to younger, prettier and, ultimately, better bands sung by an ex-Next Big Thing watching his career fade while the media circus moved on to younger, prettier and, ultimately, better bands**. Made more poignant by the fact that although the Devoted EP was billed as a comeback, it was AFAIA the last thing they recorded and it sold about ten copies.

Typically for Crashland, however, the first track on the EP was the fuck-awful 'Karaoke Ballad' about how boy bands are, like, fake and sing to backing tracks JUST LIKE KARAOKE!!!!111!!!1! TAKE THAT SIMON COWELL YOU FESTERING SCROTUM-SORE!!!!11!!11!!!

**I mean it's not actually very good, but it's very sad.

Shorter Damian Thompson

Opinion poll: more than half of British voters think the BNP 'has a point'

What this country needs is a party that represents the genteel, civilised racism of the middle classes.

Shorter practically every single Daniel Finkelstein column ever

I have an anecdote which relates to the subject of a recently published book by a middle brow pop-intellectual from which I will draw banal conclusions.

Today's example here

Which is a something of a beauty given that Finkelstein's conclusion appears to be: if you want your party to agree with you, fill it full of people who agree with you.

Jesus. Sweet, sweet Jesus.

Shorter Mad Mel

If children are taught that patriotism is wrong, Britain's very identity is at stake

Teachers should stop brainwashing children and give them an education which allows them to come independently, of their own volition, to the conclusion that Britain is TEH AWESOME.

OR

I'm sick of all these multicultural liberals telling me I can't have my cake and eat it. Watch me [picks up cake] see I have cake [eats cake] Hey! What the fuck! An immigrant just stole my cake!

If there's anything left over we can always scrape it up and put it out as a Demos pamphlet, it's not as if any fucker'll notice

Shorter Phil Collins*

This time the brothers won't save Labour

Thinking of things to write is hard. Hold up, here's an idea [Pulls down trousers, aims arse at page, unleashes a burst of hemorrhagic diarrhea which lands as a random splatter pattern of browns and reds with the odd yellowy speck indicating some half-digested sweetcorn and, curiously, a whole copy of The Social Contract indicating some entirely undigested republican theory] Lovely stuff. I wonder how much of that'll stick?


*It would be all too easy to insert a Phil Collins/Phil Collins joke somewhere in here, but I personally see that as a particularly cheap insult to a man who, as well as being Tony Blair's speechwriter, had a successful career in speedway and baseball, received a Turner Prize nomination for his groundbreaking video work and has a popular drag act on Capital 95.8


h/t donpaskini

Shorter Theo Hobson

The Beeb's moral thoughtlessness

Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ewwwwwww! Sex is icky.


I suppose there is something a little bit cute about a man so uptight about the idea of people bumping uglies that he gets outraged by the words 'sex' and 'condoms' being used on telly.

Shorter Benedict Brogan

John Bercow is the Speaker that Parliament is going to get but not the one it needs

It is simply inconceivable that a Conservative MP who has support from many Labour MPs could be considered a non-partisan speaker. What we need is a Conservative speaker who absolutely fucking hates the Labour government. It's the only way to transcend partisan bickering. Also John Bercow smells of poo.